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Newsroom
How to win an argument
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(By Claude Warner – Leadership Emotional Intelligence Coach)
Before you can win an argument, you need to know “What is an argument?”
For an argument, you need two parties with opposing points of view, each adamant that their point of view should be accepted. If neither is prepared to back down, then they engage each other in a battle to have their perspective accepted, thus “winning” the argument.
This all sounds rather medieval, more about exercising power than seeking wisdom. You may “win the battle” of the argument, but you will always “lose the war” in one way or another.
It may be the loss of a relationship, respect, goodwill, co-operation, support etc. You might win an argument with somebody in your office, but that somebody’s cousin is the HR manager at the company you just submitted a job application to. Go figure!
How do we reconcile two opposing points of view, and find common ground? Instead of having an argument, how can we have an “agreement”?
Firstly, each party must have the opportunity to fully present their perspective. They must not be interrupted, or challenged until they have finished. Only then, if anything is unclear, do you ask them to clarify what they have said.
It is easy to misunderstand or misinterpret what people say. An argument could be started purely based on what you “thought” they said. If you are not sure, clarify it with them. “What did you mean when you said …. ? Did you mean ….., or did you mean …. ?
Once you have clarified everything, you can summarise what you heard, and confirm if your understanding of their perspective is correct. If they say yes, then ask if you can present your perspective.
You then follow the same process until they fully understand what you are saying.
At this point either party could see the wisdom of the other party’s perspective, or the flaws in their own. Because each party has felt heard and understood, the emotional tone is calm, which creates the ideal state from which to reach an agreement.
Further skills of advocacy (presenting) and enquiry (asking) can be applied to reaching agreement or to developing completely new views.
When advocating your own view:
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Say how you arrive at your view, and the “data” upon which it is based.
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Encourage others to explore your view. (Not to criticize, but to find any gaps in reasoning.)
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Encourage others to provide different views, either based on different data or different conclusions.
When enquiring into others’ views:
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State clearly what your assumptions are. Acknowledge that they are only assumptions.
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State the data upon which you assumptions are based.
If you reach a deadlock, with neither party wanting further enquiry into their views, you can:
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Ask what data or logic might change their views.
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Ask if there is any further investigation that could be done to provide new information to both parties.
It is much quicker to get into an argument, and even though advocacy and enquiry seems like the long way round, it is still the quickest way to an agreement or common understanding
This fundamentally different approach is what successful leaders use.
Claude Warner is a PE based Executive Coach who coaches successful leaders to improve their leadership performance through developing their emotional, relational, and communication skills.
He can be contacted on
